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“Lady Gaga, We’re Through!”

Editor’s Note: This email was found by technicians nearly ten years after Lady Gaga entered a convent following the release of ARTPOP (on November 6, 2013) and the Interscope Records debacle — ARTPOP being an album which, with one exception, repackaged prior songs to such an extent that fans could not help but notice. Gaga’s release ArtRave, held at the Brooklyn Navy Yard, featured her singing “Aura” next to Jeff Koons’s portrait of her, and according to first-person reports, sobbing.

Dear Ms. Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta and Mr. Jimmy Iovine,

Hey guys! Hey it’s Rodney and Jason down in the mail room at good ol’ Interscope. First of all, Stef — may I call you Stef? — I just want to say that Lady Gaga vs. The Muppets Holiday Massacre was just a joy to behold and really got me and my whole family in the mood for the holidays. Thank You! For doing what I thought was impossible by tarnishing all my beloved memories of the Muppets. Anywho…I’m thinking maybe next year you can remake Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and play the role of Hermey. “Gaga wants to be a dentist!” It has a nice ring to it. But I’m just spit-balling here.

Jimmy! Jimmy Babe-a-reeno! ARTPOP — 25 million, huh? Twenty-Five Million Dollars. That’s a lot of zeroes, my friend. We are waiting down here for the HR Russian-layoff-roulette to commence and we got the interwebs so let’s see what else you could have bought for $25 million — besides 25 million copies of ARTPOP at the Dollar Store in 6 months. Let’s see. How about a BMW M3 for every employee at Interscope as a bonus for your understanding of how music distribution works in the modern era? How about two Apache attack helicopters so you can play commander, with a cool million left over for one wicked company party? Or how about 25 $1-million records that make money. Or maybe even 250 albums from amazing unsigned artists who haven’t become a Mike Myers character from the early ‘90s.

Stef, back to you. Speaking of Mike Myers, remember when he used to be funny and not a parody of his own former comedic genius? Yeah, you see, Stef, there are very, very few entertainers who can last decades and you just aren’t one of them. It goes way beyond adages like “Take your art seriously, but not yourself.” No, it all comes down to the fact that people who hit mega-stardom either realize they have built their own Titanic or not. And not only did they build it, now they have to drive it through very cold waters.

Here’s the real noodle bender, Stef: the mega-stars who last for decades also know they are driving the iceberg as well. They might flirt with that big ol’ ice cube, and the really good ones can do that just for puppet theater to make the fans wonder, but that ain’t you. Honestly, you’re not even in Charlie Sheen’s league. Who am I kidding? You’re not even in Joaquin Phoenix’s league. Why am I comparing you to actors instead of musicians? Another noodle bender for you, Stef.

On that whole puppet theater thing I mentioned: you’re doing it completely wrong. Somewhere along the line you went from a total pop-diva-badass that everyone either wanted or wanted to be to a $200 million lump of a cry baby that sits in her golden corner and whines. I see you apologized to your “Little Monsters” today. Not for how sub-par ARTPOP is, and for overspending on it by about $24 million, but for “Please forgive me that I did not foresee this coming, I never thought that after all the years of hard work that those I called friends and partners would ever care so little at a time I needed them the most. Give me a chance to show you the meaning of seeing art all around you.”

I’m sorry my dog ate my Gaga! Uh, yeah. Your iceberg isn’t even cool. It’s like a $25 million box of pity Kleenex just bobbing in the water. ARTPOP? You make art in the broadest sense of the word. It’s the macaroni and cheese of the music world. It’s great macaroni and cheese (before ARTPOP anyways) and I definitely love my mac and cheese, but just because I cook a box of it in the kitchen at Eleven Madison Park don’t make it gourmet. On a positive note, that is the key to stopping the seemingly terminal backslide in your fans’ opinion of you. Fans can handle a recycled album; they just can’t deal with a recycled icon. So make your mac and cheese in a Ferrari going 100 mph en route to your Gulfstream V filled with pretty people and brag about it. Make another “Bad Romance” cuz “Applause” is just a self–indulgent community college art history class set to a bad beat.

Well, HR is giving us a jingle-jangle down here to come up to their offices. I’m sure I’m fine. It’s Rodney who is the slacker! Haha! Just one quick favor? Can you send us your meat dress from the MTV Video Music Awards and the egg from the Grammys? I figure you owe us at least one decent meal. Cheers!

Lady Gaga, Jeff Koons

Lady Gaga, Jeff Koons

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